Tonight’s post is coming at you from my Table for One after another (and always) delicious meal at Leydas in Saskatoon. I’m telling you this because tonight, I got selfish and had myself a bit of a much needed soulo date. And with that, I am here to challenge the negative connotation that selfishness often carries around.

Ladies and gentlemen, humans of all kinds, SELFISH IS NOT A SWEAR WORD. At least it isn’t in self care land. So much of my work is trying to retrain brains to learn to put ourselves first, to put our own oxygen masks on first. We live in a world where we are expected to do it all, be it all and have it all. This just in: you can’t.

Please note, selfish is not synonymous with asshole. You can be selfish and kind but you gotta do you, first. Your emotional tank needs to be full before you can even think of filling others. You see, self sacrifice doesn’t make you a saint, it burns you out. Or even worse, it makes you a martyr. Haters gonna hate, but you? You gotta “you”. Yes, I’ve just made your name an adjective. You can now choose what that means.

Ready to get your selfish on?

1. In order to start, you must be who you are, where you are, right now. That person. Get to know her. Not the person 10lbs lighter. Not the person who makes more money. The person you are now. That’s how you begin, that’s how you truly put yourself first. A hypothetical version of yourself is not you.

2. Create a space for chaos. It will find you, it always does. You may not be able to control when it strikes, but you are in control of how you respond. Even more so, as humans, we are a compilation of emotions and patterns. And upon any type of reflection, I often know which part of my days are more likely to be chaotic (insert Lisa’s witching hour). I also know that in order to handle any issues (insert breathing) I need to be rested and for the safety of others, I need to be fed. Yes, all the snacks, everywhere. I literally have stashes in any location I spend any amount of time in. Well rested, well fed.

3. Ask for help. It takes a village, to be alive. We aren’t expected to do life by ourselves and we need to stop pretending like we can. Vulnerable is the new strong. Don’t know the answer? Ask. Need help? Ask. I get through life because of my tribe. I have surrounded myself with some of the most kick ass individuals to walk the earth. I’m who I am not just because of the work I’ve done but also because of the people I have in my corner. See what I did there? I get credit too.

4. Take credit. Accept the compliment. And for the love of whoever guides your own universe, say thank you. Do you know what is gross? Self deprecation. Stop it. You’re beautiful. Say thank you.

5. Boundaries. They make the world go round. Our self and our relationships are better because of them. So many individuals and couples come to me because they don’t understand boundaries and they don’t know how to enforce them. I often say that if we are new to boundaries then a sure tail sign that we have set one is that it feels uncomfortable. Saying no is a great example. Excusing yourself from an awkward conversation that makes you uncomfortable is another example. Similarly, when someone crosses a boundary, this is also uncomfortable. Boundaries are difficult but they are necessary. They also must be enforced. Some (too many) people are habitual boundary crossers. You know, give them an inch and they take a mile? My suggestion, don’t give them the inch. No is a complete sentence, remember that.

6. Lastly, say yes, to yourself. How we treat ourselves is the best example to show others how we deserve to be treated. Make time for yourself. Show up for yourself. Make yourself feel good. Do the best you can, with where you’re at, right now.

The world is far too big for you to play small. So, put on your oxygen mask and get to it.

Selfishly yours,